September is Suicide Awareness Month9/8/2018 Hey everyone! I know I haven't written a blog in a long time, but this blog is going to be over a heavy topic that is something I will be an advocate for until the day I die, and that, My Friends, is suicide awareness/prevention. In case you didn't know, September is Suicide Awareness Month. I really hope that none of you will ever have to experience the loss of a person due to suicide, and I really hope that none of you understand this blog, because in order to fully understand this topic, you have to experience it first hand. In my life, I have known 3 people who have taken their own lives. One of which was a family member. In addition to the few people I know who have died by suicide, there are several others I know who are suicide attempt survivors, or have struggled with suicidal thoughts. I plan to talk about a few different things that all come back and relate to suicide, so hopefully after reading this, you will feel more educated and understanding towards this topic. Mental health and suicide go hand-in-hand, and many people who decide to take their own lives, have struggled with depression for months and a lot of times years before they decided to leave this world. I hear people talk after a person that they know dies by suicide and the one thing I almost always hear is "They were always so happy, I never knew they struggled". Allow me to clear this up for you if you have ever found yourself saying those words; that's the point. Many people who fight this battle of existence, put on a mask and internalize how they feel. It's like how a turtle goes into it's shell when its scared. "Bottling up" how we feel is a protection mechanism. Similar to this, I see posters around places advertising "The Signs of Suicide" and they make me roll my eyes. I can't speak for everyone, but I can speak from my personal life experience. I haven't seen one person whom I know that has struggled with suicidal thoughts show the signs listed on those posters. Again, not speaking for everyone, but I've been shocked more than not when someone I know comes to me and says they are suicidal or had been in the past. So what is the difference between being suicidal and having suicidal thoughts/ideation? Well, suicidal thoughts are sporadic and don't hold as much power as being suicidal does. They are just thoughts, not necessarily feelings. Many times, suicidal thoughts are intrusive. Intrusive thoughts are random, unwanted thoughts or ideas. For example, lets say you were driving over a bridge and just randomly had the thought of "Maybe I should just drive off this bridge. I would be better off dead..." . That would be considered an intrusive thought. However, being suicidal is very different. It's suicidal thoughts popping in your head all day long, every day. It's feeling numb, empty and apathetic, nothing matters and you don't care even if it did. It's coming up with a plan on how you might achieve leaving this world. It's feeling like a burden to even those who love you most. It's feeling like you are utterly and completely alone, even when people tell you that they are there for you. It's dreading waking up every day, and looking forward to when you get to sleep again, because (excuse my cynical humor) sleep is like "death without commitment" . It's finding your mind wandering and realizing that the place it always finds itself back to is this darkness telling you that your better off dead. Being suicidal isn't just suicidal thoughts, it's a feeling that's hard to describe and feels just as real as being excited, or happy or sad or angry; it's all consuming. Depression is also a very real and all consuming thing that so many people struggle with. Most people who die by suicide, have struggled with depression for so long that they don't remember what it's like to not feel depressed. Depression is insidious, it slowly creeps in until it has infiltrated nearly every corner of your mind. It steals your motivation, your joy, your energy, and it steals your love and interest in things that used to make you feel so happy. It drains you and makes you feel empty and hollow, like a worthless ghost of the person you used to be. However, the most detrimental thing that depression steals is your hope. It fills you up with apathy and can make you feel so worthless and purposeless, you begin to believe that you truly are. It can make you forgetful, and it affects your concentration and memory, It can cause changes in weight, appetite and sleep. It can make the easiest tasks like brushing your hair or making a sandwich sound like torture. It's like, you tell yourself , "hey I haven't eaten all day, I probably should..." but then you think about it and you just don't have the motivation or interest to take care of yourself. Now, there's this thing that is considered high-functioning depression, and whether it's an official term or just a phrase people use to describe their depression, it's very real. People who can function all while being depressed/suicidal are some tough cookies, but they are also the people we tend to overlook because from an outsiders point of view, they are doing just fine. Little do we know, but they are slowly falling apart on the inside and in my opinion, these are the people who have a higher risk of dying by suicide. These are the people you don't realize are suffering, and sometimes they live right in your very household and you would never know because the mask that hides the demons inside never comes off around other people, and eventually, that mask becomes suffocating. These are the people who laugh and smile and help others and are so kind and gentle with the people around them, yet when they are alone they are hateful and cruel to themselves and no one knows it. These are the people who are successful and supposedly living the dream from the eyes of the outside world. These are the people who you never would expect to take their own lives, yet it happens every day. Why Do People Decide to Take Their Own Life? One of the most prominent questions that almost everyone wonders about after a suicide occurs is "Why?" Why did they do it? Why did they decide this was the best solution? Why did they feel the way they felt? Why didn't I do more to help? I cant speak for everyone, but when depression or suicidal thoughts and feelings take over your life, it causes this tunnel vision and all hope is gone. There aren't better days in the future and even if there were, they aren't worth sticking around and suffering for. Another thing that people say after someone they love commits suicide is how "selfish" they are for making this decision. Let me just tell you people something in order to give you some perspective, They did not make this decision to hurt you. I imagine the fear of hurting the ones they love was a big anchor that kept them from ending their life sooner, but like I mentioned before, there's this tunnel vision that blocks out all hope and eventually becomes so dark that they break and truly believe that they can't go on any longer. It's a decision made by an illness/impairment, not rational thinking. These people truthfully and completely believe that they are a burden and that they would be better off dead and that everyone's life would be easier without them. If you are one of the people who believes that you are better dead than you are alive, I want you to know how untrue that is. I want you to know how much worth you have and that you truly do have a purpose, even if you don't know what that purpose is at the moment. I want you to know and believe that you are not a burden to anyone who loves you and that you aren't crazy or broken. It's okay to not be okay and I promise that you are not alone just because you feel alone. Overcoming the demons that you hide will be one of the hardest things you will ever do, but I promise, you will become so much stronger than you ever have been if you allow your pain to teach you instead of break you. I promise things wont be bad forever. Things that are bad today, may not be bad anymore a year from now. Life is constantly changing and you are constantly adapting and the hurt will fade and you will be better prepared to fight those demons if/when they come back to try and defeat you again. You just have to keep trying. You have to fight and work for it everyday. Get help. Go see a counselor or talk to a friend that makes you feel better. Don't hold those feelings in because they will only destroy you. Try talking to your doctor to see if medication may be right for you, there's no shame in taking medication for mental health despite what the stigma says. You aren't crazy if you go to counseling and you aren't broken if you need a little help getting by in this life. It's okay to not be okay. Getting help will be scary, especially if your'e younger, but its so worth it. Please, Please, Please reach out and try to get help, I promise you wont regret it in the long run. If you're thinking about suicide and looking for a sign to stay alive, this is it. There are so many reasons to stay alive. I know it may not feel like it right now, but things wont always be this dark. On the other side of darkness there is light. Stay alive for rainy days and Pj's, fresh picked flowers and smiles from strangers. Stay alive for the future love of your life and newborn baby or dog if that's what you prefer. Stay alive for that degree and the moments where you find yourself so amazed at the world you are so glad to be alive. Stay for the ocean waves that kiss the shore ten million times a day and stay for the good food you will eat and the movies/books/poems you come across that change your life. Stay to follow your dreams and most importantly, and I promise you this one feels the best, stay alive for the moments where you feel happy to be alive.
There is nothing better than to be completely taken aback when the overwhelming feeling comes to you where you just think to yourself, "Wow. I'm alive. I survived. I'm so glad I didn't kill myself when I wanted to because here I am and this is my life, and it is better than I ever imagined it would be just a year ago." The moments when you just watch the sunset in tears because you wouldn't be here to see such a beautiful sky if you had taken your life. Little moments like that will come to you and fill you with such pride and strength, it'll be so worth it. So please, if you are thinking about taking your life, don't. This is your sign. This is your beacon of hope. please take it and run with it as far away from the darkness that consumes you as fast as you can and keep pushing through. I promise, things wont be bad forever. Some advice I give to you all who don't know how to help someone who's struggling is quite simple: Just be there. Listen. Ask. Just. Be. There. Check in on people you love randomly, make the extra effort to show everyone you love that you love them. Pay attention because the signs of suicidal tendencies show oh so subtly, if they do at all. The best way to figure out if someone you care about may be in a bad place mentally is to just ask. Just be straightforward and say, " Hey, I care about you and I want to ask you if you are okay? I am here for you if you need to talk and just remember that you aren't alone and that I love your existence on this planet." Seriously, its the small things that make a huge difference. Just pay attention. Just be there. Please stay alive everyone, you can do it; Tomorrow, my oh my, tomorrow is so worth it. If you or someone you know is considering suicide or hurting themselves, please call 1-800-237-8255 any time, any day. You are cared about. You are loved. You are not alone. There is hope. Please don't give up. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ https://twloha.com/ If anyone needs someone to talk to without judgement, feel free to contact me via the contact link on this blog site. I care and I would love to help if you need someone to lean on. You aren't alone, and I understand.
8 Comments
Angel
9/10/2018 09:11:21 pm
I love you so much. God has given you such a wonderful way with words. I pray this reaches many people. I pray it brings comfort or help to all it reaches.
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Abbie Hoffman
9/10/2018 09:21:42 pm
I love this so much, it was written so beautifully! I think it’s amazing you’re doing something about suicide and I pray that this will change someone’s life! We are all loved!
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Carlene Smith
9/10/2018 11:14:35 pm
You are so on point on this. Having been suicidal and having had a family member and a friend's daughter commit suicide it is not easy. I've had people around me say I can't imagine wanting to commit suicide, but they don't know how blessed they are that their life's circumstances never put them in that position. For now I ignore their comments, but I know that one day I must try to get them to understand.
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Ellie
9/11/2018 07:51:13 am
Stay strong! I’m glad this blog reached out to you. A big goal of mine is to help people who don’t understand why anyone would want to take their own life grasp some perspective and knowledge. I’m glad you’re alive and I hope you are doing good!
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judy k pruittYou are
9/11/2018 12:45:01 am
You are so amazing!! This is a beautiful article and inspiration for many it is so well written. Nana loves you!!
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Keri
9/11/2018 07:07:52 am
Wow! What an educated, inspiring read! I have conversations if this nature with too many of my patients unfortunately. But you have given me some insight to help- I hope you don’t mind me using your words or phrases. Keep on Ellie Dawn!
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Ellie
9/11/2018 07:48:01 am
Absolutely! Feel free to quote or use whatever you would like to.
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Peggy
9/11/2018 12:14:15 pm
After 38 years as a counselor, I couldn't have said it better, Ellie. Your wisdom and transparency will help many people for years to come. I love you and your precious heart.
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