September is Suicide Awareness Month9/8/2018 Hey everyone! I know I haven't written a blog in a long time, but this blog is going to be over a heavy topic that is something I will be an advocate for until the day I die, and that, My Friends, is suicide awareness/prevention. In case you didn't know, September is Suicide Awareness Month. I really hope that none of you will ever have to experience the loss of a person due to suicide, and I really hope that none of you understand this blog, because in order to fully understand this topic, you have to experience it first hand. In my life, I have known 3 people who have taken their own lives. One of which was a family member. In addition to the few people I know who have died by suicide, there are several others I know who are suicide attempt survivors, or have struggled with suicidal thoughts. I plan to talk about a few different things that all come back and relate to suicide, so hopefully after reading this, you will feel more educated and understanding towards this topic. Mental health and suicide go hand-in-hand, and many people who decide to take their own lives, have struggled with depression for months and a lot of times years before they decided to leave this world. I hear people talk after a person that they know dies by suicide and the one thing I almost always hear is "They were always so happy, I never knew they struggled". Allow me to clear this up for you if you have ever found yourself saying those words; that's the point. Many people who fight this battle of existence, put on a mask and internalize how they feel. It's like how a turtle goes into it's shell when its scared. "Bottling up" how we feel is a protection mechanism. Similar to this, I see posters around places advertising "The Signs of Suicide" and they make me roll my eyes. I can't speak for everyone, but I can speak from my personal life experience. I haven't seen one person whom I know that has struggled with suicidal thoughts show the signs listed on those posters. Again, not speaking for everyone, but I've been shocked more than not when someone I know comes to me and says they are suicidal or had been in the past. So what is the difference between being suicidal and having suicidal thoughts/ideation? Well, suicidal thoughts are sporadic and don't hold as much power as being suicidal does. They are just thoughts, not necessarily feelings. Many times, suicidal thoughts are intrusive. Intrusive thoughts are random, unwanted thoughts or ideas. For example, lets say you were driving over a bridge and just randomly had the thought of "Maybe I should just drive off this bridge. I would be better off dead..." . That would be considered an intrusive thought. However, being suicidal is very different. It's suicidal thoughts popping in your head all day long, every day. It's feeling numb, empty and apathetic, nothing matters and you don't care even if it did. It's coming up with a plan on how you might achieve leaving this world. It's feeling like a burden to even those who love you most. It's feeling like you are utterly and completely alone, even when people tell you that they are there for you. It's dreading waking up every day, and looking forward to when you get to sleep again, because (excuse my cynical humor) sleep is like "death without commitment" . It's finding your mind wandering and realizing that the place it always finds itself back to is this darkness telling you that your better off dead. Being suicidal isn't just suicidal thoughts, it's a feeling that's hard to describe and feels just as real as being excited, or happy or sad or angry; it's all consuming. Depression is also a very real and all consuming thing that so many people struggle with. Most people who die by suicide, have struggled with depression for so long that they don't remember what it's like to not feel depressed. Depression is insidious, it slowly creeps in until it has infiltrated nearly every corner of your mind. It steals your motivation, your joy, your energy, and it steals your love and interest in things that used to make you feel so happy. It drains you and makes you feel empty and hollow, like a worthless ghost of the person you used to be. However, the most detrimental thing that depression steals is your hope. It fills you up with apathy and can make you feel so worthless and purposeless, you begin to believe that you truly are. It can make you forgetful, and it affects your concentration and memory, It can cause changes in weight, appetite and sleep. It can make the easiest tasks like brushing your hair or making a sandwich sound like torture. It's like, you tell yourself , "hey I haven't eaten all day, I probably should..." but then you think about it and you just don't have the motivation or interest to take care of yourself. Now, there's this thing that is considered high-functioning depression, and whether it's an official term or just a phrase people use to describe their depression, it's very real. People who can function all while being depressed/suicidal are some tough cookies, but they are also the people we tend to overlook because from an outsiders point of view, they are doing just fine. Little do we know, but they are slowly falling apart on the inside and in my opinion, these are the people who have a higher risk of dying by suicide. These are the people you don't realize are suffering, and sometimes they live right in your very household and you would never know because the mask that hides the demons inside never comes off around other people, and eventually, that mask becomes suffocating. These are the people who laugh and smile and help others and are so kind and gentle with the people around them, yet when they are alone they are hateful and cruel to themselves and no one knows it. These are the people who are successful and supposedly living the dream from the eyes of the outside world. These are the people who you never would expect to take their own lives, yet it happens every day. Why Do People Decide to Take Their Own Life? One of the most prominent questions that almost everyone wonders about after a suicide occurs is "Why?" Why did they do it? Why did they decide this was the best solution? Why did they feel the way they felt? Why didn't I do more to help? I cant speak for everyone, but when depression or suicidal thoughts and feelings take over your life, it causes this tunnel vision and all hope is gone. There aren't better days in the future and even if there were, they aren't worth sticking around and suffering for. Another thing that people say after someone they love commits suicide is how "selfish" they are for making this decision. Let me just tell you people something in order to give you some perspective, They did not make this decision to hurt you. I imagine the fear of hurting the ones they love was a big anchor that kept them from ending their life sooner, but like I mentioned before, there's this tunnel vision that blocks out all hope and eventually becomes so dark that they break and truly believe that they can't go on any longer. It's a decision made by an illness/impairment, not rational thinking. These people truthfully and completely believe that they are a burden and that they would be better off dead and that everyone's life would be easier without them. If you are one of the people who believes that you are better dead than you are alive, I want you to know how untrue that is. I want you to know how much worth you have and that you truly do have a purpose, even if you don't know what that purpose is at the moment. I want you to know and believe that you are not a burden to anyone who loves you and that you aren't crazy or broken. It's okay to not be okay and I promise that you are not alone just because you feel alone. Overcoming the demons that you hide will be one of the hardest things you will ever do, but I promise, you will become so much stronger than you ever have been if you allow your pain to teach you instead of break you. I promise things wont be bad forever. Things that are bad today, may not be bad anymore a year from now. Life is constantly changing and you are constantly adapting and the hurt will fade and you will be better prepared to fight those demons if/when they come back to try and defeat you again. You just have to keep trying. You have to fight and work for it everyday. Get help. Go see a counselor or talk to a friend that makes you feel better. Don't hold those feelings in because they will only destroy you. Try talking to your doctor to see if medication may be right for you, there's no shame in taking medication for mental health despite what the stigma says. You aren't crazy if you go to counseling and you aren't broken if you need a little help getting by in this life. It's okay to not be okay. Getting help will be scary, especially if your'e younger, but its so worth it. Please, Please, Please reach out and try to get help, I promise you wont regret it in the long run. If you're thinking about suicide and looking for a sign to stay alive, this is it. There are so many reasons to stay alive. I know it may not feel like it right now, but things wont always be this dark. On the other side of darkness there is light. Stay alive for rainy days and Pj's, fresh picked flowers and smiles from strangers. Stay alive for the future love of your life and newborn baby or dog if that's what you prefer. Stay alive for that degree and the moments where you find yourself so amazed at the world you are so glad to be alive. Stay for the ocean waves that kiss the shore ten million times a day and stay for the good food you will eat and the movies/books/poems you come across that change your life. Stay to follow your dreams and most importantly, and I promise you this one feels the best, stay alive for the moments where you feel happy to be alive.
There is nothing better than to be completely taken aback when the overwhelming feeling comes to you where you just think to yourself, "Wow. I'm alive. I survived. I'm so glad I didn't kill myself when I wanted to because here I am and this is my life, and it is better than I ever imagined it would be just a year ago." The moments when you just watch the sunset in tears because you wouldn't be here to see such a beautiful sky if you had taken your life. Little moments like that will come to you and fill you with such pride and strength, it'll be so worth it. So please, if you are thinking about taking your life, don't. This is your sign. This is your beacon of hope. please take it and run with it as far away from the darkness that consumes you as fast as you can and keep pushing through. I promise, things wont be bad forever. Some advice I give to you all who don't know how to help someone who's struggling is quite simple: Just be there. Listen. Ask. Just. Be. There. Check in on people you love randomly, make the extra effort to show everyone you love that you love them. Pay attention because the signs of suicidal tendencies show oh so subtly, if they do at all. The best way to figure out if someone you care about may be in a bad place mentally is to just ask. Just be straightforward and say, " Hey, I care about you and I want to ask you if you are okay? I am here for you if you need to talk and just remember that you aren't alone and that I love your existence on this planet." Seriously, its the small things that make a huge difference. Just pay attention. Just be there. Please stay alive everyone, you can do it; Tomorrow, my oh my, tomorrow is so worth it. If you or someone you know is considering suicide or hurting themselves, please call 1-800-237-8255 any time, any day. You are cared about. You are loved. You are not alone. There is hope. Please don't give up. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ https://twloha.com/ If anyone needs someone to talk to without judgement, feel free to contact me via the contact link on this blog site. I care and I would love to help if you need someone to lean on. You aren't alone, and I understand.
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First of all, Happy Mothers Day to all you amazing mommies out there! (even though its almost over considering it's 9:38 p.m. as I write this...) Anyway, I hope you all had a day that's as wonderful as you are. This blog has been on my heart for a while now and I was saving it specially for today. I come from a long line of strong women on both sides of my family. My great grandmothers (one of which I am named after) on both sides were very strong women, even though I don't remember much about either of them, I get the joy of hearing stories about them and let me say, these women are powerful. Next there is my Grandmothers (Hi Nanny and Nana!) who have been through hell and back and came out on top, stronger than ever, then passed their strength, grace and dignity down to their children and then on to me. Then there is my mother. My mom is a one tough lady. She is a fighter and she gives her all when it comes to those she loves, especially my brother and I. She is strong willed, resilient, and when life kicks her, she kicks back harder. She is loving and selfless and has a sturdy helping hand and caring persona. She stands strong and protective like a fortress that no one can knock down, and she doesn't let anyone push her around or belittle her or make her feel small, fragile and weak like women tend to get stereotyped as. I'm so very thankful for her and everything she has done for me and the older I get, the more I appreciate her. We are two totally different people. We tend to clash sometimes and we don't always have the same views, but I know she will always have my back and love me unconditionally, as will I to her. I am proud to say that I am strong because of her. She raised me to be independent and strong and I would not be who I am without her influence. So like-mother-like-daughter, when life kicks me, I will kick back harder. I love you, Mom. Thank you isn't enough but it will have to do because even the English language has limits, so thank you. To all you mothers out there who are raising girls especially, raise them to be strong. I promise it will be the best thing you can do for them. I would like to wish a Happy Mothers Day to the mothers who have lost a child either before or after they were born, and to the mothers who are struggling to become a mother in the physical sense, as well as to the mothers that may not be biologically connected to their children,whether that be adoption, guardianship or just taking a kid under your wing when they needed someone to take care of them. You are all still mothers and just know that you are all amazing and loved. Keep being powerful you beautiful mommies! You are appreciated! With love, I Took a Week off of Social Media..5/3/2018 and I didn’t miss it hardly at all!
As you may have noticed, I have taken a blog break for the last two weeks. I just simply wasn’t feeling “bloggy”, so I didn’t write anything. I also decided to log off all my social media accounts and just relax. Social media has become a big part of my life and I know it is in other people’s lives as well. It’s addicting and consuming, as much as I hate to say it. I just found myself being irritated and feeling so empty and stressed by being a part of the “social web world” so, I said goodbye to my followers and what-not, and logged off. Since I was 13, I’ve been on social media. That was half a decade ago and now here I am still on the same networks seeing the same drama and watching the same people’s lives vicariously. Now that I get this out of my head, and read it instead, it sounds silly. Why is this something we do? Times weren’t always like this, now everyone else’s business is at our fingertips because people apparently have NO filter and post everything unnecessarily. Dont get me wrong, social media is entertaining and fun sometimes. I mean, without it this blog would have maybe 2 readers instead of nearly 300. It allows us to keep up with the lives of people we don’t see very often such as family or friends that live in other states or something of the sort. It updates us with news and keeps us in touch with our interests such as music or authors we enjoy, and allows us to reach people who may need a friend or who have similar interests. However, everything in moderation. I personally wasn’t enjoying being on social networking here lately, and found myself feeling a strong urge to just run away and hide from the world for a little bit every time I logged on. So I fixed that problem real quick! I don’t miss it hardly at all. I find myself reaching for my phone when I get bored and then see all my apps gone and then get this content feeling without all the colorful networking apps on my home screen. Then, I go on with finding something else to do. I’ve cleaned my room spotless this week and finished all my college assignments as well as other little odd tasks I’ve been too lazy to do. I found out though, that the laziness I was feeling wasn’t actually laziness. It was being tied to my phone. When I don’t have my phone pulling me into my bed to do nothing but lay there and waste time, I get more done. I feel more free and less stressed. I feel like a real human being instead of some pawn in this game of life. It’s a nice feeling. I find it sad how consumed I was, as are most people, in this alternate universe of social media. Honestly, I thought giving it up for a week would be a lot harder than it actually is. I will probably end up going another week logged off but will definitely continue from here on out minimal use of social media. Life is too beautiful to miss out on because we’re too busy trying to document it online. (I know a little hypocritical since I literally have a blog that I document my life on, but hopefully you understand what I’m saying) Basically, don’t miss out on the moments you’re in because you’re trying to show off to all your followers. Set time aside to write down memories and things but don’t disappear from the moment you’re in to do so. I’m a huge journaler. I love filling up journals with poems, doodles, thoughts, plans, lists and memories. It’s so fun to look back on and doesn’t have the risk of crashing or malfunctioning like technology does because paper is simple, like how I am trying to become. Simple. Simple life. Simple mind. The only intricate thing I want is my soul. Everything else can stay simple. And I challenge you all to simplify something. Clean out that closet. Get rid of the things you KNOW you don’t use but are too afraid to get rid of. Just do it. Wear your hair natural sometimes. Dont wear a lot/any makeup one day, or more. Go ahead, put that T-shirt and yoga pants on. Log off social media!!! If you can’t do a week or more like me, just go a day. Say goodbye to everyone and just log off. And see how your day changes. How you may feel. And push yourself to go longer if you would like. And always remember life isn’t as serious as everyone makes it out to be. With love, Love yourself4/14/2018 Happy Saturday everyone! I hope you all had a good week and have an even better weekend! This week went by particularly slow, but was a good one despite it. Oh, and I just thought I should let you all know that my coffee this morning was perfect. Loving yourself is something that a lot of people struggle with, myself included. It's difficult to do when the world around us is so negative and filled with people who constantly put each other down. However, just because it's hard, doesn't mean it's impossible. I don't think I ever remember a time in my life where I truly just loved myself for who I am, until just recently. There were times where I didn't actively hate myself, but I always felt uncomfortable in my own skin. Like I didn't quite fit within myself, with other people, or with the generation I belong to. Then there were time where I have hated myself more than anything else on the planet. I know many people can relate, as sad as is. I think that I know more people who can't stand themselves than I know whom love themselves. Which is heartbreaking because we are all created so unique and wonderfully, how could any beautifully intricate human hate them-self? We are the most fascinating, and complex species on the planet, why do we think that we are meaningless and worth nothing? It simply doesn't make sense, yet so many people struggle with these negative thoughts of self hatred and feelings of not being good enough. One reason that I have discovered is that we often place our value or worth in things or people. The problem with that is, while people can be great, they disappoint, and while things are nice, they break. Nothing lasts forever. The only person you have from the moment you are born until your very last breath, 24/7, is yourself. If you place your worth in fleeting things you are never going to be happy. First you have to accept who you are as a person, and if you truly don't like yourself, change! That's the cool thing about us humans; were adaptable and we have control over who we want to be. It takes A LOT of work and self awareness to become who you want to be, but it is not impossible. Discover how to put your value upon yourself and find your true worth. Nobody else can show you how to love yourself, it comes from within. Please always remember that YOU are good enough and that you are worth so much, and nobody can take your value away from you, so don't hold yourself back. "Allow yourself to feel how you deserve to feel, happy." -Bert McCracken Allow yourself to grow. Allow yourself to love yourself. Allow yourself to be yourself. In order to fully love another person we must first love ourselves. I used to think that this phrase was crazy and so untrue, and I still believe it may not apply to all people, but I know personally when I figured out how to love myself, it made it easier to love others because I could focus all my energy into others rather than into my self hatred. Another quote from my favorite movie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, is, "We accept the love we think we deserve." Think about this, if you hate yourself, you are going to believe that you deserve poor quality things, therefore you won't accept the love you truly deserve, but only the love you THINK you deserve. That is why people end up with people who treat them like a doormat. Think that you deserve more unto yourself, then demand it from others. If I have a daughter one day in the far future, one of the HUGE things I will stress to her is to NEVER let ANYONE devalue you or determine your worth. That it is 100% up to you. Especially not a boy. This goes for everyone reading this. Never let a person be your sole purpose of value or for living. NEVER. You are better than that, and you better believe it. Nobody is worth betraying yourself. Prioritize yourself above other people. "But Ellie, isn't that selfish?" Listen, is a huge difference between being selfish and prioritizing/taking care of yourself. Life is about balance, and you can put yourself and other people first, simultaneously. Just don't sink down to the last priority on your "care about" list. Don't let people walk all over you. know your worth, and teach everyone how to treat you in a corresponding manner. Don't depend on anyone but yourself, and don't let the unreliability of others make you cynical. People are good, but they disappoint because we aren't perfect. We are human and that's okay. You will most likely disappoint yourself, many times. Again, it's okay. Just don't let this disappointment consume you. Be sad, but don't make a home inside your sorrow. Allow it to be felt, then move along and learn from the pain. I can't stress to you all enough how important it is to love yourself. It took me a long time. I had to go through some pretty hard things to figure out what it meant to actually love myself. I had to hit rock bottom to have the want to get better, to find better, and to be better. I still have days where I'm a negative mess and I cant stand who I am or what I'm doing or anything about me. Days where I feel drained and down and done. (We all do, don't we?) Those days really are a struggle, but like I said, balance. You have to have the bad days to truly cherish the good ones. It is not an easy task at ALL to figure out how to break yourself free from the chains of self hatred, but I promise it is possible and so worth it. once you choose to try to love yourself, be prepared to choose to every single day from then on. It's a constant effort, but with time it becomes easier to accomplish. Trying is all we can do, friends. Just try and keep trying until you get to where you want to be, then maintain your progress. If you cant make a home that you love within yourself , you will spend your entire life uncomfortable. So please, if you only remember one sentence form this post let it be this one: Never let anyone tell you you're worthless, don't place your value in other people, but within yourself and keep trying no matter how hard it gets. You are good enough, so be kind with yourself and do the best you can. Be forgiving when you make mistakes and please, love yourself. With love, Why is it freezing in April?4/7/2018 Hello everyone! I just want to take this opportunity to say ITS WAY TOO COLD FOR APRIL. okay. Thats is all. Thanks for reading this weeks blog. Just kidding! So to start out this post, I want to share with you all that I got accepted into the college I have been wanting to go to! I’m excited to see where God takes me on this new journey that I’m about to embark on. It’s pretty scary and stressful but it’s going to be okay. I just know it. I plan to go to school to become a Diagnostic Medical Sonographer and I’m very excited. The program is very competitive to get into, and the schooling is going to take a lot of patience and diligence but hopefully it will all be worth it. I don’t know what the future may hold or what may happen throughout my life, but oh how exciting it could be. The possibilities are endless! My advice to the young and the old who are reading this is: don’t grow cynical about life no matter what hell it puts you through. Always remain hopeful because life becomes much less scary and much less upsetting when you look on the bright side. Yes, pessimism is a disease that infiltrates the minds of pretty much every human. Pessimistic moments and episodes are okay and absolutely normal, but don’t get trapped into looking on the downside of things. look up to the sky and see the stars when things are dark. Admire the clouds and the planes that fly by during the day and notice how the grass changes each day; how it turns green in the spring and dies from the heat of the summer. Pay attention to the new flowers your neighbor planted and the amount of miles you put on your car each day. See how little things like pennies you find add up. Just pay attention. Be aware of the detail because there is nothing more detailed than the little small things we constantly overlook. Life becomes art when you notice the different colors that surround us. Pay attention to the people around you. Notice their struggles and help them. Don’t take even one breath for granted because we don’t have as many as we all think we do. If you love someone, don’t be afraid. Love them completely, irrevocably and unconditionally. Don’t hold back. Don’t be afraid to be silly or awkward or too much or not enough. Just be. And life will just “be” right along with you. I know this post is short, but I’ve said all that I want to say for now. If you would like further discussion, feel free to comment, email me or contact me through social media. (Links in header above) So, until next week, drink water, eat substantial meals, tell someone you love them and take care of yourself, mentally and physically. With love, Thoughts3/31/2018 Hello everyone! It’s Saturday again! It feels like last Saturday was literally yesterday, this was a fast week. So far this weekend, I’ve applied for college and I have looked into the programs that the college I hope to attend has, and I’m very excited for the future! I decided I want to be a Diagnostic Medical Sonographer sometime last week, I think, and it feels great to have a goal planned. It’s also frightening because I have no clue how I’m going to get to where I’m going, but Gods got me. It’s still way easier said than done to trust in His plan and not be anxious about the future. I’ve never worried about the future because I just go with the flow and land wherever life takes me, but this time it’s just a bunch of transitions all at once and it’s scary. I know other people my age agree. I’m about to, most likely, lose a bunch of friends, and the ones I keep will live farther than 15 minutes away from me, unlike the past. My twin brother and I will be going down our own paths as well, and it’s scary. We have literally NEVER lived apart. Even in the womb. Perks of being a twin :) It’s also just scary because of finding a job, living arrangements, getting accepted into the Sonography program, and just being apart from everything I have ever known. Anyways, it will all be okay and I’m overall excited! Thinking just gets the best of me sometimes. However, the last few days I have been having some irrational thoughts that I haven’t had in quite some time now. Thoughts of not being good enough, that everyone I love will leave me, or get tired of me and find someone better to be friends with or whatever, and the apathetic loneliness that creeps into my soul occasionally, has made me feel low. Depression is a struggle of mine, especially when it fights me like this, trying to take all the joy and peace out of me. Some days I lose the battle, but I will never lose the war. To those of you reading this who struggle with similar demons, stay strong. Things get better and it won’t hurt forever. Just hang in there until the sunshine within your soul shines again and warms you up. Remember that you ARE good enough. You are MORE than enough. Hou ARE loved despite how you feel, and you are irreplaceable. You ARE wanted, and you are NOT a burden. You ARE NOT alone. You ARE strong and you CAN do this. So please hang in there. Drink some water. Get some sleep. Take care of yourself and don’t hurt yourself emotionally or physically and eat at least a little something. Healthy body = Healthy mind. So yeah, the past few days have been hard. They have been filled with doubt, bad feelings, intrusive thoughts and just a depressed mood. But this too shall pass and it will be okay. A lot of times people ask me “why are you depressed?” Or “what’s making you depressed?” And I don’t know how to answer that a lot of times because honestly, it’s just something that happens. Sometimes out of no where, with no reason at all. I just sink and feel down and struggle to get back up for a few days and then I’m okay again. During these low points is when I start to fear the things that used to make me excited (for example, college and Sonography school) and I over analyze and overthink and I just make my mood worse than it was before and basically eat myself alive. It’s a lot of fun (sarcasm). If you struggle with these feelings I’m very sorry, but you can do this! You and I will be okay and were given these battles because we are strong enough to fight them. Don’t lose hope. Don’t lose the fight in you! Feel free to email me or find me on social media (all my links are at the top of this page and on the contact page of my blog!) thanks for reading. I will be turning off commentary on this post because it’s something very personal and very vulnerable and I’m hesitant to even post this. So if you read this blog, it means I jumped the hurdle of my fear and shared this with you all instead of leaving this in my unfinished drafts folder. I hope you all have a great Easter tomorrow. Don’t forget to be kind and love one another. With much love, There’s Nothing New Under the Sun3/24/2018 Hey everyone! A day late and a dollar short, as you can see with this blog post because it’s Sunday. Not Saturday. Oh well. This blog might end up being short or kinda long, we shall see where inspiration takes me, but gun violence and the changing world we live in is what’s on the menu today! Even though as I write this it’s closer to bed time than it is to any meal time... Anyway, all joking aside, this world we live in is scary. But guess what? It always has been. Nothing is new. It’s just in modern day, we have this thing called “technology” and “the media” that blows everything out of proportion and shoves information down our throats. Don’t get me wrong, technological advancements are good in many aspects, but every pro has its cons. In this case, the con is that we are constantly fed bad, depressing, evil things, more so than the good and beautiful things that happen in the world. This often leaves us hopeless and lost. We all get that way sometimes, right? And that’s okay. But I just want to remind you all that this evil in the world isn’t any worse than it once was. “Well, back when I was a kid the world wasn’t as bad as it was today” -Some 80 year old woman Sorry to break it to you, but it probably was, just on a different scale. And back then, the media and technology weren’t the center of the universe and depressingly all consuming peoples lives. So there was bad, you just didn’t know about it in your nice little neighborhood digging up mud pies with the street kids. Things change but at the same time they don’t really. And with change comes adaptation, and humans are HIGHLY adaptable. But dearest and sweetest 80 year old lady, I grew up digging mud pies with the neighborhood kids too. There is something we have in common despite our generation gap. See what I mean? Some things never change. It’s all about our upbringing, not generation or age. In my head, I see it as this circle with different things that were bad during different time periods and I see this circle just spinning. So for example, mafia gang violence was a big deal in the 1920s, now mafias aren’t seen or talked about much, modernly, but school shootings have taken the place of the attention the Mafia once had in the ‘20s. There isn’t a degree to evil. Evil is evil. The mafia is as evil as kids shooting up school buildings. It’s just that now, we don’t have mafias cashing BIG problems and deaths as often as we did in the past. The evil has now transferred over to school shootings which were very uncommon when the Mafias WERE common. See what I mean? I hope that made sense. If not PLEASE feel free to email me. Let’s talk about it. But what goes around comes around, it’s all full circle. (#Karma) In this industrial and technological generation, everything may seem bad and dark but I mean, c’mon, God flooded the ENTIRE earth excluding 8 people and a multitude of animals because of how EVIL it was. Obviously we aren’t doing too bad because the earth hasn’t imploded. Therefore, that is why I believe it will all be okay. Just because things are different, doesn’t mean they aren’t simultaneously the same. There is still SO much good in the world. I personally believe there’s MORE good than bad. We just have to look and focus a little harder because it’s raining. But rain makes the flowers grow, everyone! Don’t let the curtain of “raindrops” block your view of what’s in front of you and what is to come. Good exists. Good is within you. Now, gun violence... some people may be rolling their eyes at me right now for speaking on this topic, and that’s okay. To have an opinion is to care. However, I don’t really have a “side” I’m on in this gun debate. I just know that somethings gotta give. In the past weekend, there have been two, not one, but TWO incidents involving public shootings in my town of roughly 27,000 people. I am beyond saddened about this because it’s just something we can never plan for or expect enough, yet it’s also not surprising at all considering the current events. Coincidentally, the “March for Our Lives” also took place this weekend and has been a hot topic of conversation for a while now. Some people say the government needs to do better, some people blame the parents of the generation of young adults I belong to, some people blame the persons doing the violence, and some people blame guns themselves. They all have an opinion and have the right to express it. That is why the March for our Lives doesn’t bother me and why I’m not judging these people. They are protesting in a mature manner rather than stirring up violence and causing mayhem (as far as I know. I haven’t kept up with this march too in depth). Its the first amendment: the right to PEACEFULLY protest. once it gets violent, then you are breaking the law. Anyway, I’m not here to tell you which side I’m on and why you should agree with me. I’m here to give you hope I’m this chaos. The truth is, I don’t know what is going to fix this shooting epidemic. I am not sure what would actually work. I have thought of many ideas such as new laws being passed or gun laws becoming more strict, and many other things that many of you have also thought about. However, I still don’t know what the answer is or what is a surefire way to fix this. And that’s okay. It’s not my job or your job to fix it because that’s not in our power, but within Gods. However, we can HELP. A bunch of small steps still gets you to the destination. All I, as a human, can do is spread positivity in this dark time and pray for guidance for every single person living on earth right now. Guidance that we make the right choices and do the right actions to help end this evil or to at least get it under control. Guidance that our leaders make the right decisions to protect us. And justice to be served to those of the evil doing. No matter how bad things get in the world or personally, don’t ever give up because pain ends and with it comes strength. It will all be okay. History repeats itself. Make the second time around a good one. Live life without fear, despite how scary things get because fear is a cage. Just because the world SEEMS worse doesn’t mean it factually IS worse. Be the hopeful. Be the change. It will be okay, for there is nothing new under the sun. With love, I’m back!3/3/2018 Happy Saturday everyone!! Sorry for not posting a blog in well, exactly a month... (ooops) life got crazy. It happens. But I’m back and I have something to write about. First of all, I changed up the design of my site a little bit and I totally love it! I hope you all do as well, and if not, then too bad I guess. It’s my blog not yours ;) I also got a ukulele! I have officially named it Lilo, because I find the name fitting and Lilo and Stitch is my NUMBER ONE favorite Disney movie of all time, ever. Lastly, don’t forget to sign up for the email list (at the very, very bottom of this blog post) so you can be email updated every time I post my blog and about other things I hope to do in the future. I appreciate all of you who read my blog and I thank you for joining me on the journey of my writing. Much love!! So, lately I’ve been feeling very anxious about many things and just life in general. It’s discouraged me to write because so many people I know read this blog and sharing personal things like this is a struggle for me because I don’t like sharing my struggles with others, I’d rather hold it all in and maybe vent to 1 or 2 people and move along. But here I am writing about it anyways. Anxiety is something that I’ve struggled with since I was little. (Maybe that’s why I always cried when I was a baby when strangers would just look at me, Mom.) I know the things I worry about are irrational. I know the things I worry about are mostly made up of me overthinking things. I know the things I worry about are temporary issues that I over analyze and entrap myself in. But they are real nonetheless. I tend to fidgit a lot, talk really fast, or simply shut down when I’m anxious. Sometimes these bouts of anxiety last for only a few minutes, maybe hours, but sometimes they last for days or weeks. It’s draining and exhausting and terrifying, but I know how to deal with it now-a-days so it’s alright. For people who struggle with anxiety, I’m sorry. I know it’s tough, but you’re tougher!! Keep pushing through even though it’s frightening. So now, I want to talk about a couple different kinds of anxiety. • Generalized Anxiety People who deal with generalized anxiety tend to uncontrollably worry about things going on in life or around them. Sometimes with no reason at all other than the anticipation of impending doom that sits on their shoulders, even if there is no sign of danger. Kinda like always thinking that the worst case scenario is going to happen. • Social anxiety People who deal with social anxiety often are fearful or feel unnerved about interacting with other people. Making phone calls, ordering food, asking questions, and just being around too many people are struggles people who deal with this may face. This was something I struggled with a lot during my early high school years up until about this year. I felt like no matter what I did everyone’s eyes were on me and judging me. Hating me. Waiting for something embarrassing or bad to happen to me. I hated talking on the phone and ordering food was always a huge hurdle to overcome. Even simple things like getting up to throw trash away at lunch was too much. Being afraid to interact with others besides my little group of friends made it easier to isolate myself which was not healthy to do at all especially since anxiety wasn’t the only struggle I had going on in my life at the time. I know social anxiety may sound ridiculous like “What? Why? How could you be scared of people?! They are just humans co-living on earth with us. How hard can it be?” Hard. Very hard. It’s just the way some peoples brains work. And it’s okay. You aren’t broken or a freak of social anxiety is something you struggle with. Your problems are real. Your problems are valid. YOU are real. YOU are valid. Don’t forget that ever, friends. Although there are several others, This is the last kind of anxiety I’m going to talk about. • Obsessive Compulsive Disorder First of all, no this isn’t where people have to have everything in alphabetical order, neat and tidy, super proper and stress out over things that are crooked. While those MIGHT be things that bother people with OCD, it doesn’t mean that you are OCD if a crooked picture frame bothers you. So quit saying “oh my gosh that crooked poster on the wall makes my OCD go crazy” because that’s not what OCD is. I’m not saying that people with OCD couldn’t be bothered by crooked picture frames, I’m just saying don’t blame little idiosyncrasies on an actual disorder. According to https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/index.shtml “People with OCD may have symptoms of obsessions, compulsions, or both. These symptoms can interfere with all aspects of life, such as work, school, and personal relationships.” I just want to say, no matter what you’re going through or how scary life gets, even if your fears are “irrational” it’s gonna be okay. I know it’s hard to cope sometimes and how strong the hands of worry can grip you. Just know that you’re strong and things get better! Nothing lasts forever. If you catch yourself in an anxiety or panic attack, try doing things to refocus your energy. Ground yourself. Find things you can touch. Grab onto something solid and count out 5 different things that are around you. What color are they? What purpose do these items serve? Are they living or inanimate? Try to slow your breathing and look at the palms of your hands. You are still alive. You are okay. You are inside your own body even if it feels like you’re detached. This too shall pass. It’s gonna be okay friends. With love, Secret Midnight Press and my poetry2/3/2018 Happy Saturday everyone!sorry for posting so late. I’ve been trying to post this blog all day but my website kept not loading and it’s been a pain. Also, sorry for not posting last week. This week has been “a week”. Not bad. Not good just a week. Except Thursday. Thursday was AMAZING.
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